I want to share something a bit more personal this time. I am copying here what I published in my other substack titled “Inscribed” which is art-related.
I had a dream many years ago that I think of often. While my memory of the details has eroded, I remember the core action.
A figure - flattened like Egyptian artwork - held what looked like a square dowel.
He would lay the rod on the ground, pick it up, lay it down again, over and over. He did the same vertically. It seems like I recall lines connecting end points, and even if that memory is fugitive, it fits.
I remember his looking at me and going through the motions again. The motions and iterations were different, but the message became clear.
I’m worried about several things,
but I woke up thinking about how to know when to act on my own and when to continue to wait. This decision impacts all the others. Well, they all impact each other and have trajectories that I cannot figure.
The problem is that I believe in the Resurrection.
I really believe that Jesus of Nazareth is still alive.
Because of this, everything has value, significance, and purpose.
Because of this, I pray.
Because of this, I wait.
In waiting, I begin to question whether or not I’ve missed something, if I’ve been attentive enough, if I’ve become distracted by the other things (of great importance) that I’m worried about.
It isn’t doubting God - Christ, Jesus - but my own awareness.
When this happens to me, I begin spinning inside, looking around for what I might have missed, what I may be missing, and before I know it, the whole day has passed and all I’ve done is swat away voices with faint prayers said without attention.
I know we have to make choices and plans, but I just want Jesus to make mine.
I must look like a child.
I feel like a fool.
I see other people who grab life by the throat and make it submissive. Careers, families, security, and the general recognition that they have done well define their lives.
Perhaps I’m too passive. My life circumstances would seem to agree that I am too passive, but I just want to wait on Jesus.
Even with choices that no one else cares about, I just want to wait.
When do I decide to push into making painting an income-generating activity - a job?
Where do I push? With what gallery? Galleries? Is my pushing a lack of patience with God? Is God waiting to bless my choice? Is God waiting at all? Does He even care about this? Have I cared too much about this? Have I neglected other things in order to build this part of my life? How much do I give to the pursuit of excellence - especially when it is a positive thing in my life?
What if there are no indications, no signposts, as to what I am supposed to do? What if this is just all a grand distraction and I’ve been acting in vain this whole time because I wasn’t really listening for God?
I wake up but do not open my eyes this morning.
“Lord, have mercy. Please help.”
I toss the cover aside and think of how the day has barely started and I’m already filled with voices and images of imaginary futures.
I shower and decide to write down my thoughts, hoping that this act of typing out the words will be a prayer of sorts, an act of faith that clears the table and puts doubts to rest, because I am restless.
A person can learn what to do. Farmers make plans, families make plans, everyone makes plans and acts on them. We can make good decisions and missteps are not fatal, but I’ve made so many. I’m tired. I just want to walk a quiet road and know that my wife is taken care of all the while making my work as prayer. The world has its own ideas and I have mine, but I want to wait. I just want to wait until I hear Him.
Years ago, in the dream, I think I did hear Him.
The figure handed me the rod.
“Measure the span of a day and live in it.”
I often repeat this to myself, even after all these years.
“Measure the span of a day and live in it.”
Without cunning or guile,
“Measure the span of a day and live in it.”
This is still the voice I hear when I don’t know what to do. This is what keeps my feet on Earth and my heart in Paradise. Such a person cannot help but feel torn, stretched, strained - homesick - but there are witnesses to the faith that we can learn from.
With that, I leave you with a favorite passage of scripture. The whole chapter completely shaped my youth, and here I am at 46 still leaning on it.
Matthew 6
[1] “Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven.
[2] “Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. [3] But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, [4] so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.
[5] “And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. [6] But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.
[7] “And when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard for their many words. [8] Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him. [9] Pray then like this:
“Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name.
[10] Your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
[11] Give us this day our daily bread,
[12] and forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
[13] And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
[14] For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, [15] but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
[16] “And when you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. [17] But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, [18] that your fasting may not be seen by others but by your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.
[19] “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, [20] but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. [21] For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
[22] “The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, [23] but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!
[24] “No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.
[25] “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? [26] Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? [27] And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? [28] And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, [29] yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. [30] But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? [31] Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ [32] For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. [33] But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
[34] “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. (ESV)
This is a mockup of a painting I have started. To be continued.